Band 6.0
1. Advertisement is positive part of lives, while others say it is negative. Discuss.
Since 1991, India has opened its door to enter international trade. It has led an increase of 6% in economy every year. Therefore, today India is called as one of the largest economies in the world. From (for) several reason, advertisements is also one reason for such a great improvement. Sales of particular product is highly influenced, if product is properly advertised. Advertisements generates (generate) awareness among customers and also helps (help) customer to make decision for purchase. Television and newspapers play a great role in advertising products.
Advertisements are a positive parts of our lives, because they make us realize the problem and its consequences. For example, an advertisement done by aiswarya Rai on eye donation had made customers, understand that eyes are an (a) precious part of our body and eye donation helps the patient to see the beautiful world again. Similarly, advertisement done by Amitabh bachan on pulse polio immunization has motivated thousand of people to polio immunization for new born babies.
Looking on (the) other side of advertisement, we find that advertisements has (have) disadvantages also. According to a news published recently in (a) Newspaper, a child has tried to do a jump from a great height and led (got) a fracture in his leg. Small children, watch advertisements very carefully and try to copy it. It can lead to major accidents if not monitored by parents.
In conclusion, advertisements should be made keeping small children in mind. Advertisements should be stimulating but not dangerous for a child. It should be conveyed to the audience in simple and straight forward way.
Comments:
*Good essay, nice structure and language, watch out for repetitions of the words advertising-try to use synonyms. Your punctuation and grammar could use some extra attention as well.
2. Do you believe societies ought to enforce capital punishment or are there alternative forms of punishment that would be better used?
Capital punishment is the killing for a crime that he has committed. Previously most countries employed this method of punishment and I also believe that there are alternative punishments that can be used.
My main argument against capital punishment is that I believe we do not Have the right to kill another human being regardless of the crime. I don’t believe we do not Have the right to kill another human being regardless of the crime. I don’t believe in the old religious maxim of “an eye for an eye”. Modern societies shouldn’t turn to such barbaric punishments. Another argument against capital punishment is that people can be wrongly convicted and executed. If a man is in prison, he can be released if later proved not guilty, If he is dead, there is nothing that can be done. In the UK, a group of supposed terrorists were convicted of murder in Birmingham in the 1970s.(,) they were proved innocent about 15 years later and released.
If they had been executed, innocent people would have died. There are alternative punishments available. For bad crimes prison life sentences can be given with criminals imprisoned for the rest of their lives. Also a lot of horrific crimes are committed by people who are mentally sick. These people are not responsible for their actions and can be kept safely and permanently in secure hospitals. Yes, this costs a lot more but I believe it is the duty of the society to do this. There are arguments for capital punishment. Many people feel its threat stops serious crime and that criminals deserve nothing less. It’s cheaper and keeps the prisons manageable. I cam understand this point of view but cannot agree with it.
So, in conclusion, I don’t believe in capital punishment, as there are less barbaric alternatives available. We can avoid horrific mistakes and make modern society a human one.
Comments:
This is an excellent essay, well done! Your introduction and body paragraphs are very good and the essay is very easy to understand. Think about your sentence structure, there are several sentences that should have a conjunction or a comma rather than a full stop.
3. There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
The numbers of people who listen to music everyday, the number of music channels, the number of singers…are increasing. This fact is the proof for the importance of music. So why do we need music? Let’s imagine what would happen if there weren’t music. We couldn’t have an effective method to relax after our hard working day. We would lose one of the best favourites of many, many people all over the world. Without music, the world would be a silent and boring place. Moreover, music is also a common language for all human beings regardless of nationalities. Therefore, I can confirm that we couldn’t live well if music didn’t exist.
Nowadays, there are more and more different types of music. Beside traditional music there is international music that is heard everywhere. Of course, we can’t deny that international music is very popular, it contacts people. It plays an important role in improving understanding among countries. However, traditional music is still more significant than international music because of two following reasons:
Firstly, traditional music is a works of many generations in a country. It rooted from long, long time ago and is being developed. It contains the soul, the features and the characteristics of one nation. We can say traditional music is a invaluable treasure of every country.
Secondly, traditional music is one of the ways to distinguish nations. Nowadays, when the world is being globalized dramatically to integrate but not dissolve, we must keep and respect our traditional valuations. And one of them is music.
In conclusion, also there are many kinds of music today but traditional music is still very important, what we must do is keep it for our future generations.
Comments:
*don’t copy sentences from the task.
*”contact” = connects
*music is a works = work
*is being globalized dramatically = rapidly globalizes
*In conclusions, also ther are many kinds of music today = “also” is an inappropriate connecting word here.
*what we must do is keep it for our future generations = and we must keep it for our future generation
4.It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together.
Just five decades ago, family bonds were much stronger than our present time. Grandparents living with grandchildren under the same roof was an out of the question matter. It might pass your mind that living as a part of an extended family could lead to numerous arguments lack of privacy. Even if it’s true, reality proved that the modern nuclear family was not any different. In this essay, I will discuss some of the reasons why this alternation in family structure occurred and some suggested solutions to overcome associated problems.
With the breakthrough in cybernetics, members of the same family tended to depart from one another. Computers aids in an individual’s isolation for long hours. Recent studies showed that over 30% of young people’s lives. Ages between 20 to 30 years old, are wasted in front of computers. This explains why the time spent with their families had dramatically dropped. Another reason, that initiated this change is the way workers earn their living. In the early years of last century, working within a family business was the most acceptable job. A family consisting of 50 members or so, could work as farmers or fishermen, contrary to today, where everyone leads a different profession.
However, with some effort and some alteration our families could get the best of the two worlds. Strong, supportive family with no privacy intruders. Firstly, meeting with the big family; uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents, should be done on weekly basis to avoid emotional detachment. Secondly, as a small family, parents should aim to explore new activities that all family members enjoy and be able to spare time together.
To sum up, it is up to each person to establish a healthy way of communication with his/her environment. Taking that extra step will allow us to regain the warmth of the old days without losing our modernization.
Comments:
*grandparents living with grandchildren under the same roof was an out of the question matter = if family bonds were much stronger, why was this out of the question?
*arguments, lack of privacy. = arguments AND lack of privacy
*”modern nuclear family = “modern nuclear family??
*breakthrough in “cybernetics” = are you sure this is the right word? (cybernetics = the scientific study of how information is communicated in machines and electronic devices in comparison with how information is communicated in the brain and nervous system
*computer “aids” = computer aid
*worlds. Strong, supportive family with no privacy intruders. = worlds, a strong, supportive family with no privacy intruders.
*and be able to spare time together = SPEND time together
*you have provided some good reasons and suggestions as required, well done. However, your introduction needs attention.
An essay introduction serves to attract the reader’s interest, introduce the topic, and explain what the essay will be about. Correspondingly, an essay introduction contains three features that usually appear in the following order: an attention-getter, some background information and the central idea.
You have included the “attention-getter” but the remainder of the introduction should be reviewed. I don’t believe that sentences like “In this essay, I will discuss some of the reasons why this alternation in family structure occurred and some suggested solutions to overcome associated problems” ARE THE CENTRAL IDEA.
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